getting back on track
I've fallen off the wagon a bit in terms of consistency. I had planned to put out two new posts every week but if I'm being honest here, sometimes writing feels like pulling teeth. I feel the same way about not wanting to write as I feel about wanting to hole up in my room during a dinner party: I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to make my mouth or my fingers do things, I don't want to create original content, I don't want to DO anything, alright? Just let me stay here and do nothing!
My productive spirit comes in waves and I now understand I only have two speeds: 100mph or a dead stop. Through the years I've gotten better about keeping myself busy as it coincides with a more consistent state of happiness; The busier I am, the better I feel. The two usually go hand-in-hand, but lately I've come to realize a very scary reality: I'm totally fine doing nothing for extended periods of time now.
And I don't mean doing NOTHING nothing- I still can't go more than half the day without needing to leave my apartment and shake my legs out- I'm talking about spending my summer mostly unscheduled and majorly unsupervised. I had pizza for breakfast yesterday morning. They weren't even leftovers, I went out and got myself pizza at 11AM. I'm allowed to vote, too.
Thankfully I've got a job and a couple online summer classes to keep me busy, but this sporadic summer schedule is making it hard for me to balance work and play. I'll work mostly full days at the brewery, but then have entire days off where I'm free to do whatever I want.
"I'm gonna get so much done today!" I think to myself.
"I'm gonna get so much done tomorrow!" I think to myself as I make plans to go to Applebees with my friends. Oh alright, so I had pizza for breakfast and then Applebees for dinner yesterday, just in case anyone was keeping track.
I'm still finding myself in this mode of either working like crazy or wanting to lie on the ground moaning; I'm sure many can relate. With my new job I'm on my feet and socializing constantly, so the last thing I want to do when I get days off are the following:
-Write (and write something decent enough to share)
-Exercise
-Prepare wholesome meals
-Do coursework
-Apply for fall internships
-Write
Don't get me wrong, I've been having a great summer. Unless I become a teacher, this is my last "summer" ever and I'm really trying to make it count, so when I have free time, my knee-jerk reaction is to find a friend to spend it with (I know, I know, humble-brag that I have friends much?) It's almost as though I'm rejecting a consistent structure because I know the more I accept it, the less time I'll have to be impulsive. I'm a planner to my core, but some of my best memories are of those unplanned shared experiences. I want more of them.
I've been thinking about the mantra, "work hard, play hard" and I've come to the consider that "work" is way more than just the job I clock into 30 hours a week. Working hard means improvement in every sense of the word; Spending the time necessary to produce endorphins, writing these posts (that help me come to terms with and articulate different strings of consciousness floating around in my head), and most importantly, getting to bed at a god-damned reasonable hour for once Jesus Christ Caroline get a g r i p.
Anyway, I'm trying to get back on track- In terms of writing, my health, and my schedule in general. I know at least a couple people read this page regularly, so I'll push to put out something every week.
Hope those three people are having a great day!