what do i deserve?

I'm in the South of France right now. It's great. Follow me on Instagram for some cute staged pics @larolinecong. That isn't what this post is about though, so let's get right into it:

This trip has been more or less planned by my parents since Christmas, and my whole immediate family was able to take off work and enjoy this week of nothing but wine-drinking and sun-bathing. It's an absolute blessing and financially, it's a big splurge, but for the past few months, and even during the past few weeks, I've been thinking about anything but this vacation.

It's been a busy spring season and even more stressful June: I started a new job that I'm very excited about but don't exactly feel qualified for, I've had to make some difficult personal decisions which in turn has negatively affected my self-image, and I can't seem to get rid of the mouse in my apartment that doesn't know when to mind its own god-damned business. The last thing on my mind was a week of indulgence. Lately, I don't feel as though I deserve seven whole days of patting myself on the back.

I didn't pay for this trip, and I sure as hell couldn't have afforded it alone. This vacation is a luxury that my family could afford given certain circumstances and hard work, but I don't mean "deserve" in the monetary sense. When am I- or when are we- karmically deserving of the best things in life? There exists a varying scale of how hard we have to work, how nice we have to be, and how much pain we have to put ourselves through in order to be worthy of self-indulgence.

"Treat yo self" has become an iconic justifier for self-indulgent behavior. It may lead you to spend the night watching Netflix instead of applying to that extra internship or to draw yourself a bubble bath instead of going out with friends. This may seem like a "how-to" guide for when to say yes and when to say no to "treating yo self" but it's not quite that. I'd like to present you with the conflict we face after choosing to do so: Have I really earned this?

For the most part, exerting energy trying to figure out what you "deserve" in the material sense will often lead you down two paths: the first breeds expectations of grandeur, and the second makes you hypercritical:

"I'm a good person so I deserve joy," or the contrary, "Have I done enough to deserve joy?"

Both are natural thoughts that cross our brains when we've been presented with circumstantial let-downs or pleasantries. The trouble starts when you begin to bank on your own notions of karma. IE: "This thing must work out for me (or) This person must reciprocate feelings for me because I've already suffered rejection elsewhere," and "I can't enjoy this vacation because I wouldn't have been able to afford it on my own (or) there are people who have worked harder than I have."

If you've taken even the most basic of improv classes before, you'll know that the trouble comes when you question or second-guess what's been blindly given to you. If you stutter or stammer, you miss the best opportunity to listen to your gut and embrace whats been provided. We say "Yes, and..." to accept the circumstances and to in turn make something out of it. 

I'm not sure if I believe in karma, or even necessarily the notion that "everything happens for a reason", but I do believe in paying it forward: taking your advantages, earned or just coincidental, and using them to better yourself and to broaden a positive impact. 

The way I see it, I can allow this vacation to catapult me into productivity when I return. I can allow this blessing to wash over me like a hot shower, soaking my mind in a renewed sense of patience and appreciation.

Hot tip: don't assume you deserve anything, but know when and what you need to be working towards. You're worthy of enjoying something that will urge you to be a better person. Work hard to give yourself a better shot at more of those moments.