404 error: closure not found

Backstory: 

I was a pretty grimy little kid. I’m a decently grimy adult by most people’s standards, too. There were several especially gross and troglodyte-esque things I did as a child, but the worst by far was my habit of picking at scabs. Because I was usually barefoot and constantly running into things, there were always a couple cuts or bruises on my body at any given time. I would pick at these injuries that could have healed within a few days but instead didn’t heal completely for months. My mom would yell at me every time she saw I had been picking at a scab and tell me, “You’re going to regret doing that when you’re older and you have scars all over your legs," and I would always think to myself, "Who cares if I have scars on my legs? I won’t.”

I’m now 21 and I have scars lining my shins, knees, and thighs, but the jokes on you M O M, I have great legs anyway.

It's gross to pick at scabs and I don't do it anymore, but what's equally gross is my willingness to open and pick at emotional wounds. While prying them open and exposing them proudly won't leave marks on my skin, the act just prolongs the pain.

We've all got a bad habit of staying up late and creating elaborate scenarios in our heads. We do this to try and grasp some semblance of closure, maybe from a person we'll probably never hear from again. Some satisfying scene where they say everything you need them to say. 

“Yeah that’s right, if I just endlessly think about someone, I’ll eventually run out of thoughts and I’ll get over it.” 

A couple of things.

In doing this, we refuse to forget. I'm guilty of holding onto that sliver of anger and bitterness for dear life and taking it out at night to poke and prod when I can’t sleep. I take quiet satisfaction when I hear second-hand about them failing. Alternatively, I stew with resentment when they succeed, because obviously the universe doesn’t agree that they must suffer some punishment for their crimes against me. There’s some petty part of me that hopes they hear about me through some unconnected third party about how well I’m doing, and I hope it completely ruins their day or better yet, makes them resent whatever in them decided to treat me without care.

These are the people who have occupied significant space in our heads and hearts, so it’s natural for it to be hard to evict them, even when they deserve it. 

Sometimes we don’t let the wounds heal. We encourage them to fester and scar by constantly picking at the scabs.

Every time we reopen these wounds and check in on old grudges to find that people who hurt us are living happily, it’s a stab in the heart, a kick in the face, and a reminder that the universe doesn’t care about our notions of justice and sometimes people who do crappy things aren’t going to face any repercussions from it. 

We live in a culture that believes in a “just world”, where good is supposed to be rewarded and malice will be punished. But the real world doesn’t work like that and as a result, we often start to internalize this frustration. Maybe there’s something wrong with us. Maybe we deserved to be hurt. It becomes another stick with which to poke ourselves. Look at how much happier they are without us! Look at how they refuse to acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong!

We don’t seek closure, we seek validation, vindication, and explanations. We make ourselves feel better because in make-believe scenarios, things can always line up with the way you feel the world should work. Sometimes that’s never going to happen. In an attempt to get closure by creating stories in your head, you’re trapping myself in agony and within never-ending fiction. Going back and rehashing old battles and re-opening old wounds in the name of “closure” is a recipe for misery.

All that obsessing about the hurt and betrayal does is continue to give the phantom in your mind more power to hurt you. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.

Even if you get the chance to have this coveted “final conversation” with someone, odds are any answer you get won’t change anything, and as much as you may want it to be, it’s nobody’s responsibility to make you feel better but your own.

You’re making it impossible for this unnamed person to meet the expectations that you’ve spent days, weeks, or months building up in your head. Closure can’t be given by others. Closure only comes when you decide you have it.

Sometimes people don’t deserve your forgiveness, but you certainly do.

Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. 

Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn.

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Author's note: This piece was not sponsored by Neosporin™